Mothers Day - Can be the hardest day of the year for a Baby or Child Loss Mum!

I will never forget Mother's Day 2015, the year I finally felt worthy of the cards that has appeared on my door mat. It was the Saturday before Mother's Day and I had heard my letterbox go when I was in the kitchen. I looked up and saw my dear friend, Rebecca (Becky) who I treated as a little sister running away from my front door. I knew exactly what she had done, and with a heavy heart I went to my hallway. There on the floor where cards addressed to Mummy, Wife, Auntie, and Friend. My heart sunk and instead of feeling angry, or heart broken, I felt loved, heard, that they all understood. Thinking back I felt the luckiest Angel Mummy on the planet. I opened my front door to beautiful bouquets of flowers, and gifts wrapped up. Then I heard a car horn beep, and saw Becky in her car with the window down, smiling and she shouted 'We all love you, they are from your babies, and with that she blew a kiss and drove off. I felt my heart had been squeezed, I smiled like the Cheshire cat. It was more than gifts, acknowledging all my children together was so kind, beautiful and even though they do not walk this planet, I am still their mother, and I will continue to be for the rest of my life. What people forget sometimes is our children may be dead, but our love for them is not! Believe me when I say it was no all flowers and chocolates, I guess at one time those around thought it was for the best.

I had always avoided everyone around this time of year. It was a day that I not only felt cheated by Mother Nature, I felt like a failure as a woman, wife, and most of all a bad mother! Not having my children with me on this day was reminded daily by marketing, people's conversations, another national event with so much advertising made me keep the TV off. You cannot escape it. all of my bad emotions would overload, and I always felt I masked it more around this time of year by going out for afternoon drinks, with the kids topic banned. To be honest my friends with children, also wanted a 'No Kid Zone' time out. So for years, it was blocked out by alcohol. I could never remember what happened in the evening's as I would always be so intoxicated, break down, and cry. As friends do, I was always taken home and put to bed. Only to feel mortified when I realised the next day. The I cannot remember message on the WhatsApp group was an emoji, followed by heart emojis, and then I would hide away for the day. The problem literally was the day after Mother's Day, I convinced myself. It was a hangover, and I just feel a bit low. When I knew it was killing me inside, and I often contemplated suicide, knowing this every time I drank, and I mean every time! I would literally fall apart and sometimes I would write in a journal how I felt, trying to find a way to get help. But, each page I read back on years later, was me sharing a broken heart, a mum who used alcohol to grieve. A mum that felt alone in the world. A mum who needed mental health interventions, a mum who needed to TALK and be acknowledged as one. But there was nowhere to turn too, or it was too far to travel too, and I did not drive. I could not tell my GP because I believed it would influence our fertility treatment and that, well that was just unthinkable.

There is so much support now, online, face to face, and so much more coming into place. If I am honest I was not keen on support groups and chatting to people, or attending groups I had joined one that had rules for one loss and rules for another loss. I found it hard. I never felt comfortable sharing as a mother as I had lost babies to a previous partner, my daughter and 3 tiny babies loss before I could acknowledge to the world their existence. It was not until. community groups, and ability to share came in 2015, thanks to a dear friend Paul Scully-Sloan. (Founder & Director of DWA, Daddys with Angels, RIP) This was a few years after I was sectioned for being suicidal weeks after losing the twins, Ruby & Phillip. Our IVF twin baby miracles. I had explained to me in therapy that my brain was similar to an elastic band, and lifestyle choices, trauma, life events which had occurred, added with no support had caused my band to snap. My Psychotherapist helped me break down so many barriers, through DBT I learnt how to love myself, and say their names with pride. I learnt how to 'LIVE' without my children. I learnt the truth, I was not responsible for my babies dying. It took month's of hard challenging appointments in a mental health unit to understand Mother's Day is for every woman and man on earth to honour. The love in our hearts for the women who have nurtured us in life, and those who we have helped is grow to our full potential with their guidance. Today, there are so many wonderful groups, events, ran by organisations within the baby and child loss community who provide support, a safe place to share, and most of all the ability to say our precious children's names without people feeling awkward around you, or vice versa. If you click on support on the page you will find organisations available for all losses, and also making memory boxes for our bereaved dad's who I know from experience with Harry, once struggled to take part in Father's Day too.

2015 saw me set up our first Mother's Day event for bereaved mum's. It had hundreds read the post and so many engage. We did graphics, shared journey's, and shared our babies and children's journeys, not forgetting the good, the bad, and he ugliness of grief. It changed Mother's Day for me and many other's that year, we are mums and were loud and proud. I shared the good, the bad, and the ugliness of baby loss, and that really was one of the most scariest things I had ever done. Because I was so emotional, and the comments were of so much love. Our Becky had picked up me sharing, and realised that I may want to celebrate it, and she had spoke with Harry, Joe, Michelle, and Mum2 and they had decided to spoil me rotten, decorate my front door, and treat me to flowers, and gifts from each of my babies that had died. It was the card that caused me to cry "Love from your babies", seeing their names together, the first time I had ever seen one which included me, it had Angel Mum, and had been purchased from a woman online who handmade cards. I broke but with happy tears. That day we talked about what we thought our son would be like had he lived, or what he was doing up in heaven with friends, and the twins, Ruby & Phillip, not just me and Harry, but our friends and family. It broke down such a barrier when chatting online, when I had read a memory - on Facebook - "I just hate how everyone avoids us (Myself and Harry) as they feel guilty on not knowing what to say or do around me, which hurt so much." How far I had come, and how far others who joined us to share on our events too!.

This year we have started our 10 day Self-care Mothering Sunday event and I am proud to be sharing, talking, and supporting each other now, and in preparing for Mother's Day this Sunday, 30th March, 2025. Each year I feel blessed to have people around me that are caring, understand, are kind, yes at times they struggle and ask me 1,0000 times are you okay. to hear me say "I am fine", take a deep breathe and start again. I know they care and I would rather reply I am fine a million times if it helps them too. Because our friends, family, and those close to us can struggle too.

I am a mother, and a motherly influence in young women's lives who I treat as my own, Lanny and Mia. Both now mother's, and I am an Nana which means more than words can express, Nathan (Aged 12) and Baby Vienna (nearly 2 months). If you are struggling with Mother's Day approaching, please drop us a message and one of our team will get back to you within 24 hours. Or alternatively, we recommend you contact some of the amazing charities to chat to, or if you feel you are at risk, please contact 111 for advise, or 999 for immediate assistance.

• Aching Arms

• Angel Parents UK & Worldwide

• Andy's Man Club

• Cradle

• Ellies Gift

• The Miscarriage Association

• Sands

If you are a friend, family member and struggling what to say or how you can help, please visit Sam's SOS Baby Loss directory or Tommy's.org that share ways to help you, and those you care about who have experienced baby and child loss Mother this Mother's day. Or you can message and chat to one of our Grandparents who have lost a grandchild, during or after pregnancy, here by sending a message to us.

SOS - S.O.S. Baby Loss

***PLEASE remember you are and always will be a mum, and Mothers Day is truly for us all to recognise the love, kindness, and respect for those special women in our lives***

Big thank you to my wonderful husband who never forgets the importance of a card. The one in the post was designed by TiffsArt for me from Harry one Mother's Day.