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Baby Boo Whittaker

Today, our Admin Gemma is sharing her journey for the first time. So, please send her the love and support each of us need when we break the silence and share their precious names. By leaving a comment gives her heart a hug, we all know it takes so much strength to allow the world into our safe space.

Hi everyone,

I'm Gemma baby loss mum to baby Boo. Also, mum to Boo's two older sister's who are 11 and 9 years of age. It is coming up to the 5th year of since Baby Boo sadly gained his wings and I wanted to share my beautiful little boy with the world. Baby Boo Whittaker was born sleeping on the 6th April 2019. Exactly 2 days after we got the news that his heart had stopped beating at my 20-week scan. It took me a long time to accept my grief, and like most parents I have found out during the last 5 years. I just went on auto pilot and would suppress a lot of my feelings and emotions until they would just get too much to handle. The consequences of this meant when I could speak about how I was feeling, it resulted in me having a emotional meltdown.

Five years feels like 5 minutes to me as his mother, and I still carry so much guilt as Baby Boo was mine and my husband's first baby together. My girls were from a previous relationship, yet my husband loves and cares for them as his own children.

To have that experience for my husband is something I carry with me all the time as we didn't meet till the year prior to getting pregnant with Baby Boo. I had to stay strong and keep going as the girls at the time were only 6 and 4 years old when Baby Boo died.. In the early days I had to push my grief to one side, which when I reflect back is what has caused complicated grief. During this time I had so many other personal matters regarding the girls as them being only with myself 50% of the time. Which I know people thought it would give me time to grieve, process the loss of Baby Boo, but it had quite the opposite affect and this I know affected my mental Health. I also know when it comes to different event's I always struggle with them as its always very mixed emotions as Baby Boo will always come to mind, In the sense of what would he be doing in this moment it is like I always get drawn back to him. Those horrible 'What if's"... those nagging words Why is on repeat in my head, But do not get me wrong there are also times when I reflect because for that short period of my life he was with us, he was real, he was beautiful and perfect. This is what happens, and the grief cycle has no timescale nor is there a step by step guide to help you along the way. It is individual.

It's only been this past year where I started to slow down and get myself the help I needed, that I started to realise how much I had kept inside of me, including the guilt. I started attending a few counselling sessions which gave me that little bit if release and validation of my emotions. I attend a 8-week mindfulness course with the wonderful Lucy, Ellies Mummy from Relax with Lucy. Which may add helped me so much and made me feel much closer to Baby Boo again. It is scary because we just put them in a box in our brain. Do what we believe society wants us to do - carry on as normal. But will there ever be a 'normal'.... I had spent so long pushing these feeling away. The programme helped me understand my emotions and myself a lot better, I just stated attending the free weekly sessions again as I recognised the feeling and emotions were creeping up again. I was chatting to our Director Luanne and she explained that many parents, including her and Harry have needed additional counselling over the years, and sometimes it is then when they truly open up and realise the impact it had had upon them, and even though it is frightening I could learn to get through one day at a time, and that is how I am starting to balance my life, and realise that their are milestones I should be having with Boo and it is a reminder that he has gone.

Recently, I celebrated my 30th birthday, it was difficult but my wonderful husband ensured we went out for the day with the girls. I didn't really feel like going out or seeing people, and it is these times, or on special occasions I feel the guilty emotions more, For living, and laughing, smiling, and trying new things, WHY - because my beautiful baby Boo is not here to enjoy them with us. I also realised how much this behaviour or part of grief had been affecting my mental health, I smile as I write this as we had a really good time together as a family, the girls and my husband also enjoyed the day too. We are all grieving and the build up to his angelversary always puts me in a place I do not want to be around others. I have recently attended a Baby Loss Mothering Sunday workshop ran by Luanne, and I became really active and understood that I can control these days by making a plan. I can learn to identify triggers, and how to avoid them impacting on my daily life. Listening to others share, support each other is something I know can help start the healing process too. So, a big Yes from me and advice is to try the workshops, what have you got to lose?

I am proud of myself, and I am learning that their will be good and bad days. My husband been my rock since day one and helped me so much and knowing I am not alone in the baby loss community brings me that comfort too. My girls are the reason I get out of bed every day and to motivate me to be there for them. I know I have to be the reason and I am learning selfcare and to find new hobbies, volunteer, and I am also a carer. SO, I am taking the steps needed I guess I wanted to share that it is so damn hard at times, and I know it, we all do, but there are also the days when I find myself looking for something to distract me, an recently it's been diamond painting as I find it calms me, and stops me feeling too overwhelmed with my emotions. The main thing I do still struggle with talking and writing down my feelings and emotions when it gets too much. Luanne suggested a journal with prompts to help me work through the day which I am looking forward to starting next week.

This year will be the first year we are going out for Boos special day as the past 4 years we have just done things at home. The highs of my journey would have to be when we include him in things or his name pops up. I speak his name and talk about him as it does bring me that comfort and makes me feel much closer to him, or when I look at his pictures and give him a kiss on his little urn, and together as a family especially the lead up to his special day when all help out and sort out his corner with a good clean out and do some gardening together. I wanted to share the good and bad days, and hope that I have highlighted that it is okay to have these feelings, but it is not okay to do it alone, and no one has to do it alone either. Reach out if you are struggling, or feel that no one cares because they truly do. Sometimes we have to drop that message, or pick up that phone to make the first move. But, you have to be willing to bring down them barriers to, because I have learnt that grief is pure love and it shows how much our son means to me and our family. So, I will no longer be ashamed to say I am struggling with my mental health, because I really do not know any baby loss parent who has not struggled when they have lost a baby or child.

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Thank you so much for sharing you journey and your precious angel Boo you are doing amazing hun and boo like his sisters will be so proud of there mummy xx


Thank you so much Gemma for sharing Baby Boo and your journey. As you say there is the good, the bad and the ugly which noone wants to admit but by doing so your allowing others in and not doing it alone. Sending you the biggest hug ever and floaty kisses for Boo xx


Sending all my love on the build up to Baby Boo's special day. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt journey xx


Sending massive hugs to you lovely, thank you for sharing Baby Boo’s story with us all 💙xx

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