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Today is #worldsuicidepreventionday
Today is International Suicide Day. A subject that is so close to my heart, and I can imagine many more millions around the world. And yet still today many find it so hard to talk about, acknowledge it is real, or associate with it, in fact I believe it carries a bigger stigma than baby loss. I said I would share and to do so I must allow myself to remember certain things, I must allow myself to be vulnerable again. Ask me what it was it felt like being admitted to a mental health unit with everyone staring at you from the minute you walk through the door, even at 3am. There were still many to witness your entrance to what I can only describe in my head prison. It was like standing in a room naked and everyone staring at you when you are admitted under a section. It took me back to a place where I never wanted to relive in childhood and confirmed inside my head that I truly wanted to die at those moments too. I have never been ashamed of my journey, but it is also not something that people talk or ask about either. So, it depends who I am comfortable with too because they are my children that have died. It is personal and I share to HELP break the silence, not to be a one-day head liner. So, yes, I struggled for a long time sharing with media or on media platforms especially after so much shared the first time had so many errors, not to mention anxiety attacks.. The unknown, and over the years many have inspired, supported, and most of all understood the next step for them, their family, and their mental health. As a team we talk, we share, we care about each other. If you hurt one you hurt over 100 volunteers, there is no escape. Which is why I so proud of what we have achieved and are going to be able to do in the future.
Surviving is a daily occurrence that you endure when living in pain each day. You can be numb inside, and daily functions become chores. Such as a few like not bothering to wash, eat, function with society, sleeping the day away. You are carried away with the medication and fairy land because nothing can hurt you then. When our babies all played together, I realised I was not meant to be in this part of the universe. Dramatic, but so true. Anywhere from your current situation needing to take medication to control those emotions of emptiness, loneliness and friendships. I and ask for help to control my own feelings. This support has been given freely since 2017 when I realised that I needed to say their names, and fight for change. I believe somewhere we were both under the same bright star. Blessed to be surrounded by those who love, respect, and care for us.
So, the question is how many of us have had thoughts or tried to take their own lives. The answer would be heartbreaking, and as someone who has it would never surprise me, as I have on more than one occasion. It also makes me say, how did I survive burying my babies, and losing 7? Through living in hell for so long, not wanting to love, learn or attempt to process what saying goodbye before hello meant to me. As a baby loss parent, the list is endless, and I used to think why a mother would want to live in a universe without her babies. She wouldn’t, then I could justify wanting to die to myself. I was trying to grieve and yet being silenced. Some people who I love or loved, did not want to hear or see me say that. I needed to be vocal and had my voice taken away for so long. I suffered a nervous breakdown, and even those around me who loved me couldn’t help me. I convinced myself it would help them too. If I died. Thank god I knew to access the services and Harry too. Even now he would say there are times in the year she cannot cope, and they are the days I worry when I get home she will have taken her life to be with our children. It hurts to type it let alone read the heartache again. It is not about were we have been it is about how we are getting to the next destination in one peace. We fall bit we get back up, every time!
No matter whatever circumstances someone is in, everyone should be allowed to say how they feel, even if it makes others uncomfortable. I learnt that when battling to get out of Nelson Ward in 2012. We need to educate that the feelings, the emotional rollercoaster we find ourselves thrown upon can be healed, and what we are feeling is pure pain. like we have had a lib torn from our bodies without atheistic. Then, we all know you can find yourself on questioning what is normal? You are not thinking things in your mind, we see, and we hear you is what is needed.. Sometimes just being there for you can save your life or prevent them from wanting to end theirs. It did for me…. Being that listening ear so many of us fear. We all can make a difference in our children’s names, when I learnt that thanks to Paul, I learnt that I had a right to live and be their voices. God rest his soul, I will miss him every day and honour the gift he gave me which was time. I know I am loved, and am worthy of living.
I am aware and unfortately have experienced finding out that another bereaved parent had taken their lives, and was now with their angel daughter. It should never have been possible for her to feel so alone in her thoughts, not have access to health care professionals who can help manage the depression, the grief, and constant ongoing breaking of your heart, you cannot breathe it hurts too. Everything and anything is painful and you cannot bear to be touched let alone allow love and hope into your life. So, for anyone struggling or affected please see the posts on our social media accounts across Angel Parents UK & Worldwide and Handmade with Love & Making Memories CIC.
This evening we will light our candles in memory of Sam and Baby Willow, Rikki and Eli who are forever in peace and in our hearts.. Join us this Thursday, on our webpage www.handmadewithlove.net where you can register free to become a member and join the private forum to chat, the forum is open to anyone who feels the need to share, or you feels alone, had had a shitty day, and needs to chat, and we would love you to join us by lighting a special candle or releasing a balloon in memory of those we have lost and loved as we will be at 10pm. 10th September 2024, our balloon release will be at the weekend.
Please feel free to add your baby, child, friends name we want today to be a day of love and reflection about those who have gone on before us. We will say their names as we light our candles and throughout our video. From one bereaved parent to another. I look forward to sharing the Love and Safe Space with you this evening. Please remember you matter too!
Our beautiful Sam and Baby Willow - Shine bright tonight princess you both are forever within our hearts and souls. Your journey is lived and spoken by your beautiful mum, Jayne who I am proud to call a friend, and colleague. I hope you know up there Mrs how loved you were and will always be. It is not goodbye, it is until we meet again lovely. I will keep a special graphic for you in memory of Baby Willow.
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