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It is all about survival, yet we do not talk about it as much as we should. Or you will hear "You will get there" like were the fuck is there? Heaven or Hell... No, I never said it as much as I wanted too because there was no need for more drama. I personally would just nod automatically, not so much too agree, more like pacify the noise that was ringing in my ears. Giving that look " I do not give a shit what you think" I still give them today! We say selfcare, we say be kind, I can even here myself using those words too... We never say it will get lonely, it will get harder before it gets better. Because what could be more harder than hearing those words and being thrust back to the moment when the trap door opened and you fell through, the moment they announced your baby or child was dead? Truth is feeling like no one cares, feeling alone, needing a drink to get through dealing with humans, they are all places of shit that we find ourselves in. Some more than others, I think if we all dig down we will find it happens more think like to think so.
When we think back to how lonely we can feel on this path, still today in 2024 it frightens me. I remember feeling so lonely after the final guest left and the door closed. You are either too tired and physically collapse or you carry on in a trance cleaning up, sorting dishes, needing to feel needed, useful again. At the twins funeral I remember being back home, going upstairs and collapsing with sheer exhaustion onto the bed. I don't think I even took my shoes off. It was hours before I woke and all I could think about was about how perfect their tiny coffin was, how heavy it felt in my arms as I took them on their final journey with their dad. When I closed my eyes I could see it on top of the alter with candles flickering away. I never heard a thing that was spoken during the service or at the garden reception and I think I only disturbed when Harry nudged me to let me know Father Glover was talking to me. They say the minute you are told you are pregnant everything changes, and it truly did for me. From what I ate, drank, modes of transport I used, the list was endless. It changed again when they were buried, when the soil touched their tiny coffin lid, and Grandad Joe was on his knee's making sure they fitted inside perfectly.
So the 'new normal' is here most months, and that is okay too apparently. I am evolving, taking care of my own well-being my counsellor says. I like to think the things I do, share with other children are what they would have done with me had they lived, and I would be experiencing the love and laughter with me. I often feel drained when a parent asks me for advice on what they should be doing with their baby or child, I get they see the role not the person, honestly I truly do... but it still hurts and I still need to stop myself saying "Everything and anything" I wish I could be given that opportunity. I pray for the day just one person stops and thinks how cruel to ask that question to a mother whose children have died, regardless of their age they were and always will be my children, as I am there mother. This one is more like I have had to adapt too over the years.
***Tip for the day! whatever it takes to get you through each minute, second, and breathe do it for you and no one else! In time you will thank yourself, in time all of the above disappears and whilst it could resurface you will be prepared for it!