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What Baby Loss Awareness meant to me this month.

makingmemorieshandmade

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month 2024




We are back after an amazing 8 day holiday in Palma and to be honest, we could have been on mars. It was that magical together, and having something to look forward to after baby loss awareness week was what we needed and now it’s back to reality. But not with a bump, most certainly not! The last 8 days have been the medication we both needed. It has taught us both how much we need time together, and that our baby loss journey has been a rollercoaster at times. But we have finally found that place where peace and comfort come together, even when I bin bag Harry. (Liverpool saying).


                On our return, I opened an envelope and inside was a certificate that had our son's name and details on it. A certificate that recognised our little boy who we said goodbye to 19 years ago. His Baby Loss certificate, thanks to some amazing people, amazing charities, and volunteers that made this happen. If you asked me a week ago, would it make a difference to our journey I would have said "Not mine, but most definitely Harry Rimmer 's. It was something that hit him like a ton of bricks when I delivered our son Jonathan Joseph Rimmer at 17 weeks and 4 days, (17w 4d) 19 years ago on the 15th of June 2005. He had asked where we had to go to register him, or what we did now, something to that effect. It was 2 weeks after I had birthed him. Only to be met by the harsh reality that he never existed to the UK Government. Which truly had an impact on Harry, our boy was just a statistic and under 24 weeks he was not considered to be a baby.             


               I have been working throughout the night, listening to Ellie's Gift Project - Baby Loss Community meditation music, packing for our NEW offices that will be open to the public on the 2nd December, and I found myself thinking back to the last day I felt my son kick, thinking about the people around me that struggled to acknowledge or talk about our precious boy. The lack of empathy, or support that was needed but not given. Not just by services but our family and friends too. Many who struggled to look us in the eye or find the right words to say. It was not like I was a stranger to baby loss as many are aware, I had lost babies before I met Harry. For Harry it was, and is dream like so many others was to have something official, something that represented his son, Jonathan, and sadly our twins (Ruby & Phillip) 5 years later, and in 2016 (Twins) which I am sharing today as many did not know about us having Embryo Adoption. Which is a whole new approach in Europe for couples struggling to conceive and in Europe there is more scope to have choice of your donors, and their backgrounds..          

             

I was interviewed on BBC Radio Manchester, at the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week #blaw2024 9th-15th October 2024 and asked how important the certificate was to me and Harry, as well as families who had endured the loss of a baby under 24 weeks in England. I had recently won the BBC Radio Manchester Volunteer of the Year award, and had spoken so many time about my journey and encouraged other parents to do so. I actually struggled to find the words when we went live (I know as if) but I truly did! I think I even stuttered during the interview, as tears were just flowing, and I kept trying to compose myself, my heart was breaking. How did I get through those 5 minutes? I remembered what Paul (RIP) , a dear friend and the founder of Daddy's with Angels, had said to me years before he had sadly passed away. I had sobbed uncontrollably after supporting a parent who had just lost their daughter, “Lou, it will break you, if you feel every parent’s pain, you must remember it is not about you or your children! It is about that parent’s journey, never compare, think about what and where we can support them and signpost them to for further help and support if needed “. Because the days when I struggled, Paul Scully-sloan and his team were there to support me.


It was hard and at first, I instantly thought of the heartache and triggers this could potentially bring and even worse at the beginning of Baby Loss Awareness Week. I do not think Harry registered what I was trying to get across as he was overjoyed to say the least about finally having our son recognised and the twins. Yet, something inside me did not want to celebrate because I instantly thought about the number of emails me and Sam would receive again due to the certificate, and the messages on social media we would possibly receive. There was anger as well as joy if I am honest. But how I wished we as a country (My opinion) had waited for all 4 nations to have this in place before announcing it.


       I was asked how we as baby loss parents get through this, and advice I would give to others who find themselves facing this journey. I wish I could go back and say:

1.       Firstly, stop blaming yourself or looking for answers to how you could have prevented this happening. That anger and heartache you feel are a part of the process for grieving.

2.       Focus on healing your heart and being with others who walk this path, allow yourself the opportunity to say what you really feel and not what you think others want to hear.

3.       Maybe think of giving something back, such as volunteering, training to support other bereaved parents, or get in contact with your local hospitals to help make changes, and implement new policies.. If they do not offer #dressedwithdignity, Which gives parents choices on how they would like to say goodbye to their precious baby, then to contact us and we will provide our beautiful handmade with love burial gowns, burial clothing, tiny cribs, and our special keepsakes free of charge. All may I add are handmade with love, care, and passion from bereaved families to support another family.


Now as I sit here with Jonathan’s certificate beside me it feels like we (me and Harry) have come full circle. Our little man has the recognition his daddy has longed for, and we now await our twins’ certificates to arrive. I never thought a piece of paper could give my heart the hug it has needed for so long, and to see his name has helped us both talk the last day more openly about how we are both feeling, and our campaign for the 15th October to become a “National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy & Infant Loss” in the UK. Contrary to belief we do not have one. Many people I have spoken to this month believed that we did, and it was on the 15th of October. It is time for change within the UK and I believe “Dreams can come true” – so please if you have not signed or shared the petition do so today, step out of your comfort zone and help us educate each other.   More who have walked this path as bereaved parents and grandparents need to be involved in changes that are being made!


The link is listed below, and we desperately need your help to honour a day for our precious little ones that have gone on before us. Yes, we have a week… #BLAW2024 but that is for charities and organisations to highlight the amazing work they do, fundraise, and to help create more awareness offered for families. Not everyone joins the International Wave of Light, and there may be some siblings who will be in bed who have been affected by the loss of their siblings, or parents who must work late shifts. This day can help educate, not only those in the community, but those who are training to work in the health care profession supporting pregnancies. We need to support those who support us during the loss of a pregnancy or baby. We need to ensure that counselling support is offered to those health professionals who work in Gynae wards, Sonographers who must break the news to families, and all our Midwives be trained in baby loss and rainbow babies. Basically, every healthcare professional that encounters parents who have lost their little one.


                   During the last ten years we have been supporting parents after the loss of a baby or child, many of which have shared with us the lack of support, compassion, or aftercare. While we welcome the recognition of the baby loss certificate, we truly need to provide mandatory training on the curriculum and workplaces. Yes, we have the pathway training programmes and at Handmade with Love & Making Memories we deliver training sessions free of charge to charities and organisations who deal with the loss of babies under 24 weeks. Since the new certificate we have seen organisations offer this service too. Some who have turned away parents because their baby was under 24 weeks when they sadly died. Personally, the week is too long for myself, and I know there are many others who also agree within the baby loss community. We are simply asking for 1 special day where we can encourage parents to break their silence.


   This year during BLAW2024 we have seen an increase in organisations asking for monetary donations to add their little ones to remembrance tree’s. This is something as a small charitable community organisation we have been doing free of charge for 10 years, by doing this we do place monetary pressures on those who are struggling to survive in the current climate, and this will only result in them not taking part and feeling as a failure as a parent. We need to have communities coming together running these services and offer more than 1 way to part honour such a day. Include places of education, work places, and various activities to remember their little ones, to help break the silence, educate, and allow people to have more than 1 option to remember their little one.. Hold remembrance events on the 15th October , all must be non religious, ask people to share the petition to honour a special day for our little ones on a National Day of Remembrance in line with other countries such as USA, Australia, Canada, Italy, etc.. As a baby loss parent who has had multiple baby losses, I would like one day not to feel alone, as each anniversary I take myself away from the public eye. Even after all these years it is too much for me mentally and physically to share, this day is private for us and after all these years I still struggle to get out of bed on those days, as well as the nightmares relieving their last kick, or the moment we were told “I am sorry but there is no heartbeat.”


Please remember to be kind to yourself, because we matter as parents too!

Make today a fresh start and reach out if you have idea's, need support, it takes time to adjust to adjust and be the NEW you. Even when you hit a bad patch there is always someone within the baby loss community available to support you on their journey.


Thank you for reading today, I hope that this post has inspired you as a baby or child loss parent to support changes in your local communities, and NHS hospitals. By doing so, you help leave behind a beautiful legacy in you baby or child's memory. I hope the day is gentle on you.

Sending love from our home to yours!


Luanne Rimmer

Baby Loss Mum to

Jessica, Jonathan, Ruby & Phillip

3 Silent Babies & Snowdrop Twins

        

Our Petition Link:

Recognise Pregnancy and Infant loss in the UK | 38 Degrees 		

Support resources for baby loss parents:


Private Support Group on Facebook for Parents & Grandparents who have endured the loss of a baby or child.


Ellie's Gift has a wide range of services that are free of charge for baby loss parents, those who are experiencing a rainbow journey, and mental health support.


Both organisations offer services to mothers, fathers, and grandparents.


Sibling Support

At Angel Parents UK we will be opening our Sibling Support Group for parents, and siblings from the age of 10 years to 18 years from January 2025.






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4 comentários


samlou
30 de out. de 2024

Baby loss to me is actually hard but i work through it alot dont recognise my losses as they were all early which is hard but through pages and groups lile this i have felt less alone on the 15th i light my candle and say there names loud and proud as they have made me who i am today xx

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Breavement  Support
Breavement Support
31 de out. de 2024
Respondendo a

Thank you for sharing xx

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Tracy
30 de out. de 2024

Good morning. Baby Loss Awareness to me was all about that raising awareness. It wasn't about fundraising as I seen bugger companies do which I felt terrible for those who couldn't afford to add their babies name to an online memorial. For me baby loss awareness was about remembering our precious little ones who have gone on before and this can be done by just speaking to others and saying there name. Something that I do every day but to have those around the world also doing the same meant alot. To all those who lit a candle in memory of a little one thank you. To those who took time to check in on friends and family than…

Curtir
Breavement  Support
Breavement Support
31 de out. de 2024
Respondendo a

Beautifully written Tracy xx thank you xx

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